I put the glass of water down, crawled back into bed and tried to shake off my dream so I could continue sleeping.

“Hey,” Seann turned over and tapped me on my shoulder, mumbling, “I don't want to be the 'wall', I want to be the 'pillar'.”

“Ok, ok, you can be both!”

“Why?” He seemed woken up a little.

“Because you will be a much better 'wall' than me.”

Happy with my answer, he turned and went back to sleep. But that brief exchange had disturbed my drowsiness and suddenly I found myself wide awake, reflecting on the dream I just had.

“In this place, at this time, does that dream have some special meaning?” I asked myself.

Yesterday we landed in Nanjing way past lunchtime. Seann had no interest in airport food, so we took a taxi to the hotel immediately. I was hungry and grumpy, still frustrated that we missed the delicious breakfast on our last morning at Christine, the hotel where we stayed in Luoyang, because he wanted to sleep late.

Christine - Breakfast

After looking around the room, he said, “Not as nice as Christine, but it's fine.”

“It's a Sheraton, what could you have to complain about?”

“That's why I said it's fine.” Then he added with a smile, “But I still like Christine more.”

“Good, at least there's something you like about China.”

“I like a lot of things about China,” ignoring my unfriendly tone, he said thoughtfully, “like Shaolin Temple, Pingyao, the Lee Garden hotel in Beijing ...”

He could be so particular! As I laid in bed reflecting on our time in China thus far, I was becoming more and more disillusioned with our trip. Ever since we arrived in China, the culture shock stirred up a lot of discomfort in Seann and that created a lot of stress on me.

We landed in Beijing on July 2nd, and visited the Forbidden City three days later. I had been there 11 years ago and really didn't like it, but it was an important place for Seann to visit. The whole place seemed super crowded, much more than my first visit, and the facility really didn't have the capacity to host that many visitors. Compared with the first visit, the energy and the environment had changed, and my dislike of the place exponentially increased. Even though he was happy we went, other than Yang Xin Dian, Seann didn't like it either. We both agreed one day was enough, even though we didn't see everything.

Yang Xin Dian

Seann liked staying flexible, so I only booked Lee Garden before we arrived in Beijing, that way we could make adjustments to our plans depending on how things went. Once we left Beijing, the search for hotels became a regular part of my day. It was nice not being part of a prepackaged tour and on a fixed schedule, but it was also stressful for me. 

After leaving Beijing we went to the Western Qing Tombs in Yi County, and spent a day exploring the Chongling tombs of Guangxu and Zhen Fei. After spending some time alone in the tomb, Seann became a little emotional when he saw that people were making offerings to Guangxu, so we went for a walk.

We walked down an unpaved path toward the tombs dedicated to Zhen Fei and Jin Fei, which appeared to be visited less often, likely because it was off the main path. We were alone in public the whole time, which had rarely happened since arriving in China, making the peace and quiet even more enjoyable than usual. After soaking in the silence and reflecting on our day, we started the walk back to main path in front of Guangxu's tomb. 

As we approached the tomb complex, there was a man offering horse back rides, and we couldn't refuse. It was Seann's first time to ride a horse, despite being from Texas, and our horses behaved very well on our ride down to the lake. That ride was the perfect ending to one of the more enjoyable days we had in China.

To get to San Zhi, our next stop, we had to take a sleeper train, which was also new for Seann. There were loud conversations in the hallway outside our door, the smell of smoke was frequent and strong, and it was a very uncomfortable bed. I was able to find a western style hotel once we arrived, so we were able to catch up on sleep before going to explore Taiyuan city and Chongshan Temple.

While there we also took a tour to the 2800 years old ancient city Pingyao. Seann was enjoying the new and different culture. The environment was stimulating, but he had a lot of questions, and I was starting to feel a lot of stress.

We had made it to Nanjing, but the journey had not been easy for me.

“Hey, I sense a disturbance in the force, what are you thinking?” Seann's head popped out of the comforter, aware that I wasn't sleeping and probably sensing my negative thoughts about him.

“I was thinking ... how annoying you are!”

He let out a deep sigh and was silent for a moment. “Remember what the monk said yesterday, that I am thoughtful and considerate, and I will take good care of you.” He tapped the bed, “Please, sleep a little longer, there are many places we are going to visit today.”

After a brief pause, noticing my motionless reaction, he continued, “You know, in order to be a 'pillar', you need good sleep!”

Just like that, he brushed away my unfriendly negativity.

Yesterday, on top of China Gate, I was having conversation with a monk who graduated from the Chinese Buddhist College. While I was talking with him, Seann went to buy water, and when he came back was enthusiastically handling out cold water bottles to everyone, including the young boy who had been sweeping the floor.

“Is he American?” The boy asked.

“Yes.”

“He is so handsome!” He looked at Seann with an admiring look on his face.

“He is kind and caring, a good-hearted person.” I replied.

That was when the master monk looked at him and told me, “He is very thoughtful and considerate, attentive to details, a very good 'wall'. You have nothing to worry about, he will take good care of you. But you have to remember that, between two of you, you are the 'pillar'.”

After the conversation, as we were walking outside Seann asked me, “What did the monk tell you?”

To avoid embarrassment, I only told him some of what he said.

After telling me I should be the pillar, Seann had fallen back into deep sleep, while I tossed and turned, not able to get back to sleep. My mind wandered up and down the path we had been on so far. The next day would be our 3rd anniversary, but at that moment, all I could think about were the arguments and disagreements. All the unhappy moments, related or unrelated negative thoughts, fettering and tethering, tighter and tighter, like a downward swirl, pulling me down, faster and faster....

An hour later the alarm went off, and woke Seann up.

“Ah, that was nice." He opened his eyes and looked at me smiling, and noticed I was wide awake. "Hey, did you sleep?” I kept silent, ignoring his question.

He turned the alarm off, “Are you angry at me again? What did I do? I was sleeping.”

“It's okay.” I shook my head and turned to the other side.

“Every time you get trapped in that emotional black hole,” he sat up, “you only get dragged down deeper and deeper, and then get more and more angry, like there is nothing good about me. And then after the storm passes, you apologize and tell me that I am right.”

“Not this time.” I said, stubbornly.

“You say that every time.” He paused a while, then changed the topic abruptly, “Remember 'Sara's way'?”

I was stunned and the speeding down the abyss was stopped. “Sara's way” was written while I was studying at CIIS (California Institute of Integral Studies). It was part of a paper I was writing while researching meditation practices. 

“You forgot about it, right?” He said with a careful tone. “You know that if you focus on negative situations or emotions, you will only fall into the dark hole faster. No matter how I try to explain, it will only irritate you more. Only you can quiet your mind down, then choose a different perspective to get you out of that negativity. If you don't shift your focus, there's no outside power that can force you to.”

“Sara's way" (see Appendix 2), is based on that observation. The basic principle is, we attract the essence of whatever we focus on into our reality. So, when we dig deep into our consciousness and find a memory that brought us happiness, a moment that made us smile naturally, then we recognize the sensation we felt and hold that feeling. If we want peace and happiness, we need to focus on being happy and at peace. All the noise that our mind creates, prevents us from seeing the happiness we already have inside our heart.

Suddenly, I remembered being at the last CIIS retreat in Pacifica, seeing my eighty year old professor running down the hotel corridor hand in hand with his girlfriend, laughing like kids. When he saw me he slowed down and smiled timidly, and I smiled back at them, feeling their happiness.

Love! The most precious experience in life, forever desired by people through out time!